Daniel & Adrienne #68 - Seven Days

Tuesday, May 28th

I knew he’d be waiting with a smart remark on the other side; I just wasn’t prepared for what he said. 

“Look everyone, Daniel can multiply. Just add Unas!” 

Adrienne, of course, laughed, it seems her and Jack have bonded after his stint carrying Nicky.

It is wrong to miss the sweet affectionate wife already? Nicky left her body and it’s back to full on ‘pick on Daniel’ mode. Well, I sorta missed that too. 

There was fussing the moment my boots hit the concrete floor, Carolyn starting right into Adrienne about how if she had allowed her to induce when she asked that none of this would have happened, Adrienne, miraculously, agreed. 

I think that hell froze over.  

Sam went completely gaga over the little guy, something I wasn’t expecting in the least, scooping Nicky from my grasp and whisking him to the infirmary herself. I’d expected Adrienne to react somewhat negatively, worry about the boy being taken out of her sight, but whatever Zita had given her continued to make her feel groggy after she had awoken, so she just lay back, closing her eyes. 

The exam went well. He’s completely normal and healthy, ten fingers and toes and no signs of any degenerative diseases. I hadn’t told Adrienne that I was worried; I didn’t know what he’d be like, I always feel as if my luck will run out when it comes to he and Adrienne, but he’s perfect, absolutely perfect. He weighed in at eight pounds three ounces, so chances are that conception date might have been off or the process was sped up slightly by Adrienne’s body and was twenty one inches long. He’s gonna be tall, I know it but he’ll look like Adrienne, I can tell already. He has the cajun glare. 

Adrienne on the other hand, she’s going to be fine, overall. Well, almost. Carolyn took her right into the exam room while Cassie looked Nicky over. There was some slight tearing and bleeding, nothing that one wouldn’t expect considering the nature of the delivery, but Carolyn pulled me aside as soon as Adrienne was asleep. It’s against medical practice, but she told me first, that Nicky was going to be our only child. 

There was scarring apparently from her attack, scarring I’m not even sure if she knew the extent of, but the stress of carrying Nicky, the labor itself, it was more than her body could repair, dopamine or not. Carolyn said that much like our eyes, part of this was genetic, hence Adrienne’s mother dying during childbirth, and even Adrienne’s short bout of healing before we started our medication wasn’t able to take care of all of the damage. Carolyn wanted me to tell Adrienne myself, unsure as to how she would take it, so I’m going to sit her down once we get settled. 

Since everything seems to be in order and groggy or not Adrienne is already fussing that I have a job to do, I’m heading back to Unas planet to finish things up and let her and Nicky rest. 

I’m a father. Wow. 

*****

Wednesday May 29th

Just got back from P3X-888 and my being a father has benefits already. I arrived back to a riotous celebration that included both tribes, Chaka informing me that Yuka was very impressed that I was able to deliver my own child.

After a presentation of gifts, things that a normal woman would be appalled to use on her child but my wife will cherish, we returned back to the negotiations which seemed to go a lot smoother this time. They wanted in, of course, noting the wealth of Chaka’s tribe, but given that we need more Naquadah now than ever before, Chaka was happy to have the assistance. 

Oh, back to the gifts. Not only can I see Adrienne wanting to try out the hand-woven sling from Zita immediately, but some of these other items I feel are going to be incorporated into the “Forest Moon of Endor” otherwise known as my son’s room. Since I’m certain that Adrienne won’t be reading this I’m gonna say it here: It looks cool, really cool. I have only ever seen Star Wars from start to finish with her, well and paid attention, so I don’t have the Ewok village committed to memory but this room is AMAZING. Adrienne isn’t very artistic, but she is tech-savvy and she bought every stencil and decal that she could to make the walls look JUST like the background in the movie. She even had Cam carve into the crib to make it look like it was a tree and he even went back and coated it with some sealant so Nicky can’t hurt himself on it. He’s gonna do the dresser and changing table too but he thought he had another month. 

So did Adrienne. 

I know that she knows that I didn’t tell Zita and Chaka to induce labor but she was joking before I left that it’s my bad luck vibe that did this to her and I can’t help but think she’s right. While she didn’t have the best luck in the world before me, with me it’s only gotten increasingly worse. I probably should consider myself lucky that she’s stuck around as long as she has. 

Alright, I need to stop writing and get some things done. It’s nearly dinner time and I want to get this mission report to Sam so I can meet my family for dinner. I like the sound of that, my family. 

*****

Thursday May 30th

I have a kid. An adorable pudgy little Indy. An adorable pudgy little Indy that I have to take home today because Carolyn said we’re fine and can go home.

Now I’m freaking out. 

So Daniel went back to P3X-888 to finish making sure that the Unas didn’t erupt into civil war, which was fine, I was wiped out, sore and wanted as much sleep as I could in between breast feeding. Nicky took to that well, I was surprised since I’d read that could be difficult, but nope, the little guy latched right on. 

I really want to write a joke her, about his dad, but considering that Daniel gave me this journal to write in I’m pretty damn sure he’s gonna read it. 

Hi sha. I know you’re nosey. There’s no hiding it, but I still love you. 

Oh, and like father, like son ☺.

Something’s wrong though. Carolyn’s acting like I’m glass, not her usual ‘let Addy suffer’ demeanor. I know what’s she’s gonna tell me, that Nicky is it, that I can’t have children anymore, I just wish she’d come out and say it. I’m ok with that, really, I have Daniel and Nicholas; they’re all I need. In my eyes they are the two most perfect men in the entire universe. 

Ok, back to the written whining. Daniel will be back in an hour or so from an intelligence meeting and then we’re taking him home. I’m not sure if I’m cut out for this. I can take care of people sure, adults, adults who can talk to me, tell me what is wrong, and have medical histories I can use to figure out what needs to be done. But Nicky? All he can do is cry, which he does already, a lot, and I have to decipher whether he needed to be changed, fed, cleaned, burped or another myriad of baby needs. What’s the worst though is that I’m going to disappoint Daniel. So yeah, if you’re reading this, please don’t be upset with me. I’m gonna try I just don’t know if I can do this. 

Better get up and moving again. I guess I’ll write more later, see how this goes. 

*****

Thursday May 30th

The only thing funnier than watching your wife try to do Star Wars parlor tricks on your screaming son is to see her argue with you about how to change a diaper on a little boy only to watch said little boy pee in her mouth as she argues. 

Adrienne’s gonna divorce me, I just know it.

I got the little guy to sleep in the bed, Adrienne soon after. I was going to go to sleep myself but she’s going to have to get up again in about an hour and a half to feed him and I feel bad about snoozing away while she does that. Well, that and I have to get her up. She’s hasn’t had to get up yet for a feeding, Carolyn says that she didn’t sleep well her entire time in the infirmary, so it remains to be seen how this goes over once she’s at home in our considerably more comfortable bed. I wonder if she’ll call me Sam, Eric or Bill this time. 

Hopefully Eric; it makes me feel wanted. 

I have to admit I sat there for a moment tonight, watching them both sleep. When he does stop fussing and actually goes to sleep he looks so much like her in so many ways it just takes my breath away. He has her high cheekbones, they poke out of his pudgy little face, and just the general look of his face. I wonder about his eyes though, if they will darken or stay blue like mine. Only time will tell. 

I would have just stayed in bed, holding them both in my arms, but I didn’t want to get him crying again, so here I am, my son in my spot on the bed, surrounded by pillows to keep his mother from squishing him. I should be annoyed, isn’t that what is supposed to happen, the dad feels like he is shoved aside, but I’m just not. I’m so happy, so very very happy. 

And I’m exhausted, I’m completely exhausted but Adrienne will be so proud. I’ve set my alarm on my phone, yes Ad my PHONE, to go off in a little over an hour so I’m gonna curl up here on the couch and hope my family is enjoying my bed. 

****

Friday May 31st 

Super Daniel fails. I don’t even care if he’s reading this right now, Nicky is conked and I just needed to get it down before I forget. I’m not a journaler, I’m not, I’m not even sure if this family could handle another journaler, so this little gift from my husband is going to simply be my running record of Daniel being wrong. 

Nicholas Francis Jackson - Three days old, less than 24 hours since he has been brought home....

My dear husband decided to give me a primer on breastfeeding. Mind you, he and Shar’e had no children, none, so he has not helped another woman that I know of to do this, but MY husband, the ANTHROPOLOGIST of the universe decided to coach me on breastfeeding.  Now, please note by the information above that Nicky is three days old right now, three, so he hasn’t been surviving on imaginary milk; me and my little man have this under control. 

I was sitting on the coach, watching the True Blood I missed from the week before, oh how I had missed Eric, Nicky just eating away like nobody’s business. In comes Daniel, all smiles, looking at us like he’s been looking at us for days, all doe-eyed, in that way that makes me melt, damn him, when he stops and leans forward, at me, at my chest, watching me feed. 

“May I help you?” I asked, wondering what was going on when he, get this, he reaches down to adjust Nicky on me. 

WHAT THE HELL. 

Now, of course he has touched me on my chest more times than I could ever count, usually in a very fun way, but no, this was nosey know-it-all Daniel, and he gazes back between me and Nicky and says, “If you adjust his angle it will make the milk flow faster.” 

EXCUSE ME

But I didn’t scream at him, I didn’t even crack a smile. I just looked up at him calmly, reaching out to touch his cheek, bringing his lips slowly to mine to kiss him so softly. 

Then I told him, as sweetly as I could, that these were my boobs and to get lost. 

But of course this is Daniel, and he stayed, whispering an “I’m sorry,” and sitting down on the couch.

I wasn’t going to hold it against him, he wasn’t trying to be nasty, he was just being a know-it-all, like normal, but I couldn’t help but pass Nicky right on over after he was finished for him to change the poopy diaper. 

Because it was awesome.

“He’s pooped,” I said, handing my prince charming his son, “can you take care of that while I get cleaned up?” Smiling, he stood from the sofa, taking the adorable stinky bundle that we made to the nursery and I rushed to wipe down and get put back together, because I knew what was coming and I wanted to see Mr. Perfect Dad deal with it. 

He was at the changing table as planned, Nicky cooing happily after his feeding, the boy liked food, so Daniel’s child, when his darling father flipped him over and screamed...

“HE HAS SHIT UP HIS BACK TO HIS NECK! HOW!?! HOW DOES IT EVEN GO THAT FAR!?!?” 

I wanted to hit the floor right there but I didn’t, I behaved, trying to contain my laughter, slipping back out of the nursery.

“I HEAR YOU LAUGHING JA-WER! THIS IS NOT OVER! AND AT LEAST IT’S NOT IN MY MOUTH!!” 

Touché Indy, but I win this round. 

   

*****

Friday May 31st or Saturday June 1st. 

It’s too damn late to figure out which but I’m awake so I might as well write this down. 

I don’t think Adrienne’s gonna divorce me; I’m starting to think that having a family with me is just her latest amusement. This is the conversation I JUST had with her, as best as I can remember, with Adrienne, miraculously rolling over and waking up without my urging, burying her face into me just as soon as he started fussing.

“Dear God is he crying again?”

“Yep,” I answered, but not moving. I had to deal with the diaper from hell not three hours ago; it was her turn. 

“I just fed him. He’s been burped, he’s clean. I don’t know what else to do,” she whined, or something of the variation. 

“You’re gonna have to rock him,” I answered simply, yes, I’m a brat and I’m still not over the explosion of feces that I had to remove from my son AND his changing table AND his WALL, yes, the WALL...

“Me? What about you?” she shot back, sitting up. Ok so she’s not getting up and no more snuggles either so I was losing either way. 

“I have to get up early and go to work, you’re still on maternity leave.” 

Yeah, I said it, bad choice. A very bad choice. This really shouldn’t be a journal entry, it should be a ‘how to’ guide for husbands and new fathers. NEVER insinuate to your wife that staying home is less difficult of a job. 

EVER.

“What, wait, what do ya dink I’m doing ‘roun ‘ere? Sleepin’ all day. Do ya ‘ear dat racket ya chile be makin’?” 

I’m editing, of course, this is what I THINK she said, it had a lot more cajun flare to it, a lot more. Sometimes I feel like I’m communicating with the Unas. 

“But you’re fitter and more energetic.” 

See that statement, right above. 

NOT a compliment, just FYI. 

“And had the pregnancy from hell and a rather violent delivery, I’m still recovering,” she was calm now, clearer speech, so I decided to play with her a bit, all the while the adorable Nicholas Jackson was still wailing his head off in the other room. 

“I’m old,” I teased, really, I was teasing, but no, yet again a bad choice. 

“Don’t ya even start wit dat merde Indy,” she spat, sitting up and glaring at me, the entire time, Nicky still going and going and going and going 

WAAAAAAAAAA

“Fine, fine, fine. Parenting’s fifty fifty. Rock, paper, scissors,” I offered, after all, she had a point. We’re in this together, so this I think is the best way to solve this. 

“Fair, one, two, three, shoot,” and she shoots and loses. How is this my fault?

“Ha! Up and at ‘em Ad,” once more I open my mouth before I think. I seem to excel at that with Adrienne. 

“Indy,” she whined, kissing my chest, I can’t say no to her when her soft lips are on me, it’s not fair, “best two out of three?”

“Fine, but much like chess, I’m unstoppable at rock, paper, scissors. Foster kid, remember? I have street smarts...” back to teasing, or at least verbal teasing as she kissed down my chest. She’s taunting me; we can’t have sex for four weeks and she’s using my frustration to get the best of me and I refuse to let it work. 

“Shut your mouth and shoot, one, two, three, throw,” she ordered, seeing that I wasn’t going to give in, winning this round, of course. 

“Best two out of three,” I shot back quickly, if not for any other reason than to get one of us to stop that infernal wailing. 

WAAAAAAAAAA

“You’re a loser,” she spits, as if her winning the second round was gonna change all of the rules, and she counts off again, one, two, three and then slips her hand under the covers to grab me. 

Yes, ME. 

There. 

And held on tightly. 

“Uh...” or something close I choked out, don’t get me wrong, I was happy to have her venturing there, just not, well, like this...

“I call baby maker. Ever want to use it again? Go get your kid. Now” 

I did. Without complaint. 

Point for Addy. 

 ****

Saturday June 1st

I lied about work. 

I don’t HAVE to go in, so I guess it’s ok that I lost our little middle of the night rock paper scissors bout, because we were both up most of the night and are dragging today. I got him, there was no way I was going to question her with that threat, bringing him back to bed with us again, Adrienne starting right in on her worry about me crushing him, her crushing him, that we needed some fancy co-sleeper bed she had seen on the internet, the usual. 

Honestly there’s a part of me that wants Dr. Lam to lift the physical restriction NOW and not so we can have sex but so Adrienne can run because she’s driving me insane and needs an outlet to burn this energy.

Adrienne couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t sleep, Nicky cried for about thirty minutes straight even with both of us, yes me included, singing every silly song we knew. For the record, Adrienne only sings children’s songs in French, cajun French, which means that it really shouldn’t be translated literally because it’s disturbing. I’m really glad that my son doesn’t even speak English yet. I, on the other hand, seem to know every children's song ever on Earth, Nicholas sort of likes “The Wheels on the Bus” and a few from Abydoys as well. All languages considered, the child really seems to enjoy my “swish swish swish” the best.

God help me. 

At some insane o’clock Addy just decided to feed him again, and pump later if it created excess, which is something else that bothers me. I understand why she pumps, it lets me feed him and bond with him but it’s kinda of crazy to see her hooked up to that machine. Carolyn suggested an electric one but it looks like some piece of farming equipment. It makes me feel like she’s being used, like an animal and I really don’t like to think of her being used in any way, especially given what she has gone through. I’ve considered suggesting formula; I’ve looked into it, modern blends are nearly 99% as effective as breast milk but I also want to keep my head. Suggesting anything other than what is natural in this relationship is a death wish. 

Excuse me if I’m rambling, I have slept maybe an hour in twenty four. I knew babies cried, I did, but Nicholas takes the cake. 

I’m not sure if I can survive this...

Wait, I hear nothing. No Adrienne singing in French, at least her voice is pretty, I do love her voice, but I don’t hear any crying. I’m going to assume the best and that they’ve both gone to sleep and that Nicky doesn’t need anything else for two more hours. In the meantime, I’m going to form an intimate bond with my sofa. 

Good night.

*****

Sunday June 2nd

Aunt Barbara arrives this afternoon. 

Thank you Jack O’Neill.

Daniel and I survived Saturday. He had said that he was going to work, but then he said he was teasing me and he wanted to see if I knew it was Saturday, but now I am fairly certain that he lost track of his days because I sure as hell have. 

In fact, I ONLY know that it’s Sunday because I got a text alert that there is a new episode of True Blood on tonight. I wonder how Eric would react to Sookie having a baby? Ok that thought was a combination of cool and guilt and what the hell. Wow, coo, back to Aunt Barb. 

Daniel called her late Tuesday when Nicholas was born to let her know that I had been induced by Carolyn due to discomfort and health concerns and to give her the typical proud dad measurements. In true Southern woman form, she hadn’t asked to speak to me, told Daniel to tell me that she loved me and rest up and she’d be here this weekend. 

Neither of us had believed her, neither of us, but then again read the lines above; we have forgotten what day it is, what time it is, our names, what silence sounds like, everything. So when Jack called yesterday to tell us that he was flying Aunt Barbara in on an Air Force flight, due to land at Reagan tomorrow, well, today, Sunday, at about one I’m pretty sure I dropped the phone. 

You don’t understand, Aunt Barbara is awesome, she’s the BEST, but we are a mess. Nicky is five days old but Daniel and I are falling apart as is our house. Here is just a quick list of the causalities that I can pin point right now. 

1. We broke the coffee machine. The regular one, not the Keurig, which is probably worse because that Keurig coffee is NOT strong enough. 
2. We haven’t done laundry since the morning that Daniel dragged me in to be induced and got his way indirectly and it is PILED all over the house. In fact, I don’t think my husband is wearing any underwear. DAMN sex restriction, I’ve got all sorts of hormonal thoughts right now but it’s not like we would get a moment’s peace anyway.
3. There is no food. None. I mean Indy has this secret candy stash in his nightstand I have only JUST now discovered but NOT ONE BIT of real food. I might break down and order delivery again, even though I’ve been so good since I got pregnant. 
4. It smells like poop in here. Trash pick-up is on Mondays and of all of the insane presents we got this week (apparently Vala was going to have a surprise shower Friday since I wasn’t supposed to have this baby yet) a diaper non-stink thingy was not included in those gifts. And note to future parents, regular trash bags cannot defeat the powerful odor of a newborn.
5. Daniel has taken up residence on the sofa, which doesn’t bother me, we’re working together in this and he needs to sleep to. He is being awesome with everything but he is just leaving his set-up there so he can sneak in a nap when he can. My sofa looks like it is home to some very messy nomad.

So, my house basically looks like a fraternity, minus the beer cans. She’s gonna be en fache and I just can’t do anything about it. Maybe Vala is right, maybe I’m just not equipped to have a child. 

*****

Sunday June 2nd

Adrienne told me to wash him because he is due a bath. Honestly, I had forgotten about bathing and panicked for a moment trying to figure out how to get him in the bath with me safely when Adrienne happily produced a giant sponge in the shape of a teddy bear.

What a great idea!

All I had to do was lay the sponge down, lay him on it and pour warm water over his body with a cup. Washing lightly, pop that cute little hooded Yoda towel on his head (Thank you Teal’c) and we were done. It was so easy that I have to admit I got a little bit arrogant. 

Allowing Ad to get ready, she was begging for a shower herself and I sent her away, if anyone she needs to just stand in the warm stream, I decided to get the boy going. This wasn’t what she expected, reading the books or not, and this wasn’t what I expected. This is hard work. 

Anyhow, I went to the kitchen to warm up some pumped milk, Nicky tucked in the crook of my arms feeling pretty good about myself. Milk slightly warming in a small saucepan, I reached in for the bottle to shake it, not sure why I did that seeing as it’s breast milk, when it exploded, everywhere. All over me, all over Nicky, who started crying of course, all over the stove, all over the floor, I’m not sure if there was any part of the kitchen wasn’t covered. I didn’t know what to do; normally I’m really good in a pinch, but I haven’t slept, I’m not sure that I’ve eaten anything other than Snickers bars in days, I’m not even sure if I could recite my name and security code at work if I had too and I just stood there, staring, my son screaming in my ear when there was a voice behind me. 

“Daniel whatcha be doing wit dat chile? Give ‘em ta me, ya get yaself cleaned up.” 

Aunt Barbara to the rescue. Adrienne might have been concerned about what she was going to say when she got here, but she raised THREE kids, Rae the youngest after TWO boys. I wasn’t worried about her reaction; I was relieved for the help. I passed him over without complaint, racing to join my wife in the shower, just to have five minutes alone, restrictions or not. 

I really hope she wants to stay, really really really, do I sound like an idiotic undergraduate student writing a diary or what, but we need help. We’re doing well I think, he’s in one piece, but neither of us have parents and with everything that’s going on at work I just feel bad asking our friends for help. 

I was able to slip in with Adrienne for a little bit, Adrienne hiding her body in embarrassment over the changes it had undertaken post-delivery. I don’t care; she’s still my soulmate, still perfectly beautiful, the love of my life, and I was excited at the very least to be able to wash her hair and do something to relax her.

The kitchen was spotless when we got out, completely spotless, Aunt Barbara sitting at the dining room table with Nicky in her lap, another heated bottle in his mouth. Adrienne still seemed embarrassed, but her aunt would hear nothing of it, telling us to go lie down and take a nap. 

Oh, yeah, I hope she stays for a while. Those were seriously the best two hours of sleep I ever had. 

*****

Monday June 3rd

Daniel went to work this morning because he got to sleep all night, courtesy of Aunt Barbara who got up with me every two hours to help. Nicky cries for her too, but she doesn’t seem to mind in the least, bouncing him around singing “The Wheels on the Bus” which Daniel claims is our six day old’s favorite song but whatever, if there’s another person to clean and help she can sing whatever she wants. 

So I’m writing this entry now as Aunt Barbara is making me take a break; she’s doing laundry and Nicky is down again, thankfully. It seems his baby body likes to sleep once in a while. Oh, so the purpose of my entry. 

Daniel epic fail part deux. 

Alright, so, yet again, this morning before he left for base he decided to coach me on breastfeeding while he got ready and had his coffee. I humored him, I’m not gonna fight with him, he is sweet and means well, so I adjusted our son to that odd, overtly horizontal angle continuing to feed, Nicky not happy in the least. But he ate; I don’t think that child will ever turn down a meal. My wonderful husband comes the moment Nicky backs away from my breast and scoops him up, gently, to burp him and say goodbye. Nicholas burped like a good boy and Daniel started to hand him back to me when he totally erupted. No, not typical baby puke, that had happened a few times when I was learning how to do the burping properly, but full on horror movie vomiting. 

ALL OVER DANIEL. 

I love him so much but I wanted to tell him ‘I told you so’ so very badly, tell him that whatever craziness he thought he knew because of something he had seen was a bad idea because the baby would naturally adjust the way it needed. 

“Can you clean him up while I change?” was all Daniel said, calmly, passing that adorable mess back over. 

Nope, I don’t need to say a word. 

Thank you Nicky. 

Point for mom.

*****

Monday June 3rd

Cajun food was something I never thought in my life that I would eat until I met Adrienne and then after we became friends and I realized her entire life consisted of celery and carrots was something that I thought I would never have. With a few exceptions here and there where she has cooked it for me, I have never really had the chance to enjoy authentic Bayou cooking. 

The verdict: Barbara Verdin can never leave, ever, this is the most amazing food that I have ever eaten in my entire life and if Adrienne didn’t dote all over my body like she did I would be content to eat until I just became fat and exploded. 

I’m exaggerating and it’s blatantly obvious why the Acadian/Cajun people have the problems they do with obesity, diabetes and heart disease because there is no way that a person with any taste at all would ever say no to this food. Well, no person other than my wife, who ate nothing at dinner but some bread and vegetable soup. I’ll tease her later, but to be honest she’s so conditioned to eating healthy that even when we indulge in pizza it tears her stomach up a bit as it is and this is much richer. 

Anyway, I got home from work to a spotless house, a well-rested wife and a semi-happy baby. I’m beginning to think the child just likes to scream. I thought Adrienne would be happy for the help but after we had put Nicky “down for the night” meaning that he would hopefully sleeping in his crib between feedings, Aunt Barbara had the air mattress blown up and ready in the living room, ushering the two of us to bed. I closed the door, hoping to get to sleep these next few hours with her in my arms when she turned around to face me, tears running down her cheeks. 

“I’m a failure; I told you I could never be a mom,” she was sobbing, letting herself fall into my arms. 

“Ja-wer, no, no stop. I know for a fact from having friends who are parents that EVERYONE feels this way the first few months, EVERYONE,” I tried to assure her, holding her, kissing her head but she just cried harder. I know she is still hormonal to an extent, so I didn’t want to argue. 

Leading her to the bed, I pulled back the covers, motioning for her to join me and she did, just letting me hold her while she cried. I didn’t know what else to say other than she was doing a great job, that I was proud of her and that I loved her. She fell asleep crying, so I just held her and let her rest, staying awake until Nicky’s next feeding. 

Tomorrow is her one week appointment and Carolyn now wants us to tell her together about her womb and the damage. I’m absolutely terrified to tell her; I think she just might fall apart. I love her so very much and all I ever wanted was her, Nicky was just this amazing added bonus. I don’t need another child, I just need Adrienne. 

I’m gonna get some sleep; tomorrow’s gonna be a long day. 

********

Tuesday June 4th 

I will never carry a child again. 

I knew it in my heart, I knew the moment I woke up in the infirmary, my mind finally registering that the instant Nicky was a part of this world and not just a part of me.  I just hadn’t expected that to actually hear Carolyn say the words would affect me so much...

Adrienne I’m sorry but there was too much damage from Nicky’s delivery. 

I hadn’t thought it had been that bad, really, but I knew that wasn’t all. 

From your post-delivery exam, Adrienne, we found some scarring, partially healed from, well, from your healing abilities, but there was older, more extensive, damage. 

I knew, I’d bled for days, had an infection, researched everything on the internet I could to take care of it myself, not thinking for a moment that I would ever need to worry about children, not thinking I would ever let a man lay a hand on me again.

And then came Daniel. 

Adrienne, I’d like to do a full exam on you please. And I need to know your full medical history.

So I told her. In that cold SGC infirmary I sat there and told Carolyn and Cassie what happened while Daniel held my hand, every sordid detail of during and after and how I treated myself, things I have never told my husband. I tried not to cry, but I did, Daniel taking me in his arms, just holding me until I stopped. I’d always thought it would be the most awful embarrassing thing I could ever admit to, an admission that I was broken, weak and tainted but it wasn’t. Instead it was the most freeing experience of my life.

I’m free. 

I’m no longer a prisoner to my own fears. I’m no longer a victim. I’m a survivor. 

I was raped and my body was broken in such as fashion that combined with other genetic factors I can never carry another child. 

But I’m still here, I was able to give birth to one beautiful son and I have an amazing supportive husband. 

You might have hurt me, but you didn’t break me. 

And I’m free.

Now I’m just going to focus on this mom and wife thing while still trying to be a kick-ass SGC archaeologist. We have an evil villain to stop, alliances to be made, and I’m gonna do it with a baby on my hip and Daniel at my side no longer ashamed of my past. I have three more weeks at home, three more weeks to get a handle on this mom thing first though.

Oh, and I kinda like this journaling, but don’t tell Daniel. 

*****

Tuesday June 4th

Adrienne is so happy and had I known that admitting what had happened to her would have garnered this reaction, I might have tried to get her to talk to someone sooner. Not that on base quack we have, but at least Carolyn since it was a health concern. She was so thrilled in fact when she came home that she sat down her aunt, who had DETAILED the house while we were at Ad and Nicky’s check-up, and told her everything. They cried together, Aunt Barbara apologizing as if she could have done anything, while Nicky and I slipped into the kitchen to warm him a bottle and to order some dinner. 

I ordered her favorite, Mexican, and left the baby in the care of the now much calmer women while I ran to pick it up. 

They were smiling when I returned, laughing, Adrienne with a large mug of hot chocolate despite it being June. There was such happiness in my house, such glee and sheer joy that words cannot describe how I’m feeling because just as I was going to brew myself and Aunt Barbara some coffee the phone rang. 

It was Vala and she was calling to tell me that Galar had fallen to clone forces, the men that made it out telling tales of Jaffa like warriors taking orders from Galaran scientists who seemed to have turned on their own people. Adrienne still had three more weeks of leave, well, three weeks that she is agreeing to take, the bare minimum, and she needed to spend those weeks enjoying her time with our child, and one more week of Aunt Barbara’s amazing help.

I’ll deal with Anubis, with what is to come. He’s not going to lay a hand on my family. 

Dinner was great, I chose well; there is something very satisfying and comforting about Mexican food. 

It’s late, Adrienne just fed Nicky and Carolyn says the amount he is eating and growing to try to see if he can make it three hours now, which is fine by me. I wanted to get this down before I went to sleep myself and I plan on going in there and curling myself around that perfect person in my bed, our bed and holding her because at the end of it all that is all that matters. 

I’m so happy.